


Brother, I let you down

by Rey_Bee



Series: Kakashi and his kids [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Big Brothers, Brothers, Dialogue, Doubt, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Feels, Family Reunions, Family Secrets, Forgiveness, Forgotten Ones, Gen, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Little Brothers, Naruto is Just Naruto, One Shot, POV Hatake Kakashi, Past, Post-War, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Psychology, Questions, Rokudaime Hatake Kakashi, Talking, Teacher-Student Relationship, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:48:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rey_Bee/pseuds/Rey_Bee
Summary: When Kakashi finds his blonde student waiting for him in the corridor of the Hokage Tower, he doesn’t expect that in a moment he will be dragged into a deep conversation. The most difficult conversation he had in his whole life. Non-yaoi. (Because it's not possible that someone ignored their sensei's son for twelve years of his life... right?)
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Kakashi and his kids [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1758280
Comments: 19
Kudos: 201





	Brother, I let you down

**Author's Note:**

> A/N.: So this is it. I’m confronting one of the most important problems (in my opinion) of Naruto. This is how I view Kakashi’s past and his relationship with Minato. Enjoy.
> 
> If you want a prologue for this one-shot, read the second chapter of my "My three little students" story (Part 1 of this series). And now enjoy;)

* * *

This was… irritating, really. Well okay, maybe _irritating_ was a bit too strong of a word, but uh…

No, but it _was_ irritating.

Kakashi sighed heavily leaning back on his chair inside his office. The day was slowly ending and long orange sunbeams entered the room, illuminating the open book of _Icha Icha_ he wasn’t supposed to read at that moment. Huge piles of paperwork were waiting for the attention of oh-so-amazing Sixth Hokage on the table next to the door… How do you call it? _Procrastination_?

Well, no matter. Maybe, just _maybe_ he would even feel ashamed that he wasted the whole day on the book he knew by heart.

That is, if he wasn’t so distracted by the strong vibrating chakra of one student of his that he sensed from the corridor.

Like half an hour ago.

What was Naruto doing here? And _why_ didn’t he try to come inside? Usually the blonde just burst into his office without knocking and started talking about whatever made him come to see his dear sensei that he (was supposed to) respected so much.

Not that Kakashi particularly approved of people coming inside unannounced and uninvited… But this was Naruto. So he didn’t mind that much.

And now his (not so) cute little genin occupied a spot in the corridor for almost half an hour. Not really trying to hide his huge chakra, mind you, so it wasn’t that he was up to something. Was he waiting for him? Then why not just open the door and come inside with that huge smile of his?

He raised lazily from his chair and approached the door. It opened in one swift movement, making a young ninja waiting outside jump and falter.

“Maa, Naruto. How much longer are you going to stare at the walls?” Kakashi pierced his student with a playful look, watching his attempts to regain balance.

“Oh, um… Hey, sensei, how ya doin’?” Naruto smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

“Did you cause any trouble that I should know of?”

“Wha…? Me, _trouble_? What are you talking….” Naruto blinked under his sensei’s unimpressed look. “Yeah, I know where you are going with this but, uh, no. Not this time.”

“Are you sure.”

“Yeah?”

“Okay.”

“Hey, I really didn’t do anything…!”

“If you say so…”

“Why, you…! Kakashi-sensei!”

“Fine, fine” he waved his hand dismissively at the blonde. “I believe you.”

“You better” Naruto muttered irritated.

“Well, care to explain then why you’ve been waiting here for thirty minutes? Hiding from someone? New hobby?”

“Uh…” Kakashi almost opened his mouth to tease Naruto a bit more, but he stopped when he realized how abashed his student looked. He furrowed his brows slightly and leaned against the doorframe, waiting for the boy to continue. “So I… um, kinda…” Naruto glanced at him for a moment, but looked down almost instantly.

“Naruto-“

“Can I… talk to you, Kakashi-sensei?” he mumbled and Kakashi’s heart missed a beat because he could hardly recall ever seeing his blonde student so insecure. “I mean, would you mind…?”

“You want to talk to me?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, sure. What about?”

“Well, you know… stuff.”

“Stuff” Kakashi echoed absentmindedly. “All right. I’m kind of done for today anyway. You want to stay here or go to _Ichiraku_?”

“What about, uh, just taking a walk?”

 _Did he just say he didn’t want to go to Ichiraku? And… a WALK_?

“Sure” he forced his standard eye smile to manifest itself on his face, closing all the documents he has ignored for the whole day inside his office.

They left the building in not-so-comfortable silence and entered the park area, already half-deserted. Some Akademy students were finishing their group games, parents were calling their children back. A chilly gust of wind blew through the crowns of trees. The sun was slowly descending under the line of the cliff.

“So… What is this stuff you wanted to talk to me about?” Kakashi eyed his visibly distressed blonde student finally.

“Yeah, right…” Naruto scratched the back of his head again, swallowing and biting his lip. “So it’s been a couple of months since the war ended… And… Well, just after the war there were things I wanted to ask you about, you know? But, uh… It felt like too early for that. But it couldn’t give me a rest… It can’t. I know it might still be too early… Well, actually it started at the beginning of the war. But everything was a mess then and we didn’t have time and I needed to think about it…” he stopped and sighed heavily, tangling his fingers in his hair for a short moment.

“Whatever it is…” Kakashi said slowly “it sure bothers you a lot. How about letting it out?”

He tried to seem cool and collected on the outside, but inside he was getting more and more uneasy. That thing that had bothered his student for so long certainly was something hard to talk about. Naruto wasn’t one to beat around the bush, so his unusual way of speaking made Kakashi wary.

“Okay…”

“…”

“So, it’s about my… parents.”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

_OH._

He should have guessed by now. But he didn’t – and instantly felt the ground falling from under his feet.

He was not ready for this conversation.

“I see” he voiced the only safe answer he could think of.

They stood in awkward silence, facing each other, yet not looking each other into eyes. Kakashi put his hands into his pockets and clenched them into fists away from Naruto’s eyes.

So. The time has come.

The time has come to explain himself.

It had been a matter of time before his student finally decided to ask this crucial question. Kakashi knew it the moment he became his sensei. He knew it the moment Jiraiya took over Naruto’s training, the moment he taught Naruto the Rasengan… The moment Naruto talked to Minato in his mindscape.

The moment Minato appeared on the battlefield and they fought together, arm to arm once again.

He wasn’t ready.

He wasn’t ready to admit to his student that he abandoned him. That he renounced Minato, his own sensei, his own caretaker, his guardian… and cut the ties the moment the Yondaime perished in the Kyuubi attack. How could he tell his student that he ignored him for twelve hard years of his life?

“Kakashi-sensei” he jerked his head up to meet two cerulean eyes. Minato’s orbs surrounded with Kushina’s eyeframe.

“Ask” Kakashi let out, clenching his teeth. “Whatever you want to know. Ask, I will tell you everything.”

He noticed Naruto’s unsure expression. The kid wasn’t used to seeing him like this. Sad. Uncertain. Angry with _himself_.

“It’s not… Sensei, look, I just want to know… _why_ ” Naruto said, stumbling over his own words. “I know you couldn’t tell me, I don’t blame you for that. I only blame Sandaime-jiji for this. Well, not only for this actually… Just…”

Kakashi couldn’t be more grateful to Naruto for trying to make it easier for him. The boy obviously put a lot of effort into hiding his anger towards him.

_…right?_

“Naruto” he stopped him quietly. “I appreciate your… consideration. But I don’t deserve it. If you want to ask me a difficult question, just do it. It’s not like you to walk around the topic.”

“…”

“…”

“Kakashi-sensei, who was my father to you?”

 _Minato-sensei._ Kakashi swallowed hard, looking away for a short moment.

“I mean… I know he was your jounin sensei. And, uh, when your teammates weren’t here anymore, you were still kinda involved with him, he made you an ANBU and everything, right?”

“He did.”

“Yeah, so… for these past months I was wondering. I know you were alone for most of your life cause you lost your parents when you were little. And my life was, you know, similar in that way to yours. And to me our team, becoming shinobi and all that… You are the closest to what I would call _family_. So that’s what I meant when I asked who he was to you…”

“Yeah, I get it” he mumbled, taking some steps and leaning against a nearby tree.

“Okay…”

“Minato-sensei… I’ve known him before he became my jounin sensei. I mean, before he became our team’s sensei. I suppose you’re already aware that I graduated early. I became genin at five” Naruto nodded slowly. “Shortly after, my father killed himself. I was officially an adult with my genin rank, but Lord Third wasn’t very happy when I informed him I was going to live alone. So after a few months he… well. It wasn’t a mission. But he asked Minato-sensei if he could look after me. Or just check on me from time to time. So I was around six when we met.”

“Six.”

“Yes. Six.”

Naruto blinked a couple of times. Kakashi needed a few moments to realize his student was waiting for him to continue.

“Right. So… it started like this. I wasn’t very enthusiastic at irst, to be honest. I just wanted everybody to leave me alone. I was sure whoever the Hokage assigned to _check on me_ was going to be a pain. So I wasn’t very nice to him at first. I treated him as a potential enemy. But your father… you should know, that he was as nice as he was stubborn. There was nothing I could do that would convince him to leave me alone. So eventually I accepted him as a part of my everyday life” he stopped for a moment when a face surrounded with blonde dandelion-shaped hair appeared in his memory, smiling at him fondly. “And later… It went like this. Same life old life. Minato was assigned to be my official sensei, but I didn’t have a team until my year graduated from the Academy. It was just the two of us. Well, of course Minato-sensei wasn’t alone. I met probably every single person he knew. He was dragging me with him everywhere… I met Jiraiya-sensei who used to be your father’s jounin sensei, I met Tsunade-sama who lived in Konoha at the time… I even met Orochimaru. It happened before he betrayed the Leaf. He was a regular Konoha jounin. And I met many others. Shikaku, Inoichi, Choza, Tsume… Hiashi… Your father knew everybody.”

“But…”

“Huh?”

“I mean, it’s totally interesting. And I sure want to hear more, just… That’s not exactly what I asked” Naruto bit his lip for a moment. “I was just wondering-“

“You were wondering where the hell I was for most of your life. Weren’t you?”

Naruto froze for a second and then looked straight into his eyes. There was a bunch of tangled emotions in these blue eyes that pierced Kakashi to the tree he was leaning against.

“Yeah” he whispered after a few long seconds. Kakashi closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself.

“Naruto… Listen to me. I know that despite how… shitty your childhood has been, you always try to see the best in people. It’s something that makes me very proud of you and that I admire you for. But…” he eyed his student, pained. “I want you to remember that not everybody deserves this. There are people who deserve nothing but hell for what they did. They don’t deserve your kindness. And… I fall into that category.”

Naruto was staring at him with his eyes a little wider than usually. But he didn’t utter a single word.

“I think I know what you wanted to hear. You hoped that once you come to me and ask me this question, you would get a long and complex answer about why I didn’t let you meet me until you made genin. Believe me when I say that I want nothing more than to give you a good explanation. But I would lie if I said I have one.”

Naruto didn’t move an inch.

“I would like to tell you that I wasn’t very close to your father. Or that I didn’t like him very much. That our relationship, if we had any, was strictly formal. But all of that would be a lie. I hardly remember now how my life was like before I met Minato-sensei. I was _six_ for crying out loud. He was my world. He was my family. If I could think of anyone who raised me, I would point him. I practically lived with him, though I always claimed I didn’t, but the true is I spent more time in his apartment than I spent in my own. It only stopped when your parents moved in together and even after that I slacked on their couch almost every day.”

Silence fell upon them when they looked at each other. Kakashi could feel his nails almost cutting the skin of his palms when he tried to stop his hands from shaking.

“When your mother got pregnant your father assigned me a mission to watch over her in case anybody tried to attack her because of the Nine Tails. In theory she wasn’t supposed to know about me, but of course, she did. I spent a lot of time with her. I saw how she waited for you. I watched you growing in her belly and I wondered how you would look like…”

Naruto’s eyes widened at this, his mouth slightly agape.

“They… waited for you. Your mother bought plenty of baby clothes and accessories and sensei arranged a room for you. He painted the walls, prepared furniture and decorated it with Kushina’s help. They discussed you future name. They wondered which family name they should give you so that you weren’t exposed to too much danger. And whether I wanted or not, I was involved in all of this. I remember the night you were born… I was out with Gai, but I knew it all started. I was already thinking about the next day when I would go visit Kushina in the hospital. And then…”

“The hell broke loose” Naruto finished with a muffled voice. “And you forgot. You were just trying to do something about that mess. Anything to stop everybody from dying. And when it finally stopped… They were already dead” he looked at his sensei strangely calm. “Right?”

“Right” Kakashi admitted reluctantly.

“And what happened next? Someone called you? The Sandaime? Who told you they were dead?”

“No one. I remembered where your father placed his seals, so I knew where he teleported with the beast. I rushed there. I was met with a sight of your parents covered in blood and you, alive and crying. The Sandaime came shortly after. He ordered some ANBU to take your parents’ bodies back to the village and he carried you back to Konoha himself. I followed him, I didn’t know what to do with myself. It just couldn’t click, I couldn’t quite understand what happened. Next thing I knew I was standing in the Hokage office before Lord Third who still held you in his arms. He approached me and told me, very slowly, that he needed to take care of everything and that he wanted me to look after you when he was gone. And he left. I spent next hours staring at baby you in my arms, sitting behind the desk. And it was… the first and the last time I held you. When the Hokage was back, I placed you back into his arms and just left. I went to my apartment. It survived the attack… And I fell asleep.”

Kakashi felt overwhelmed by all the memories he so often tied to deny. It happened over seventeen years ago and yet the scenes were still as clear as the first time.

“I’m not quite sure what happened for the next month. I remember many people trying to talk to me. My friends trying to force their way into my apartment. Or some of your father’s friends knocking to my door. But when I was finally ready to get out and meet people, I went to the Hokage. He informed me I was still a member of ANBU, but I could quit if I wanted. He told me about the funeral. And he told me what actually happened. I was almost leaving when he ordered his guards to leave the room and then he told me what the Council decided to do with you. I was forbidden from telling you who you were, like everybody. I remember the only thing I asked was if Jiraiya was going to adopt you, but Lord Third said that he already left. That was it. I went home, but I stopped by your parents’ house on my way. It was covered in seals, but I broke them and entered. I went through their things… Or through what was left of them. I took this and that and I got out for good. It was the last time I was there. They teared the building down some days later, it was half destroyed anyway.”

“So… you never really saw me after?”

“I… did.”

“I didn’t see you.”

“I was in your standard ANBU guard. I didn’t ask for it, I was just placed there. So as long as Lord Third wanted you to be watched in case of emergency, I saw you quite often. That one time when you got yourself in trouble and Iruka-sensei saved you, I helped him. Sometimes when I could see that you were up to something, I followed you to make sure you won’t get yourself hurt or killed. And… that’s about it.”

“Have you ever considered… showing me yourself?” Naruto asked uncertainly.

“I have… but I never did it.”

“ _Why_ , sensei? Was it… what was it? Were you scared?”

“I… the older you were, the worse I felt about not revealing myself to you.”

“I wouldn’t even know it took you so long. I didn’t know you.”

“Yeah. And that was the worst.”

“You felt guilty?”

Naruto looked at him intently for a long moment, waiting for the answer. Kakashi bit his lip once again, trying to get a hold on himself.

“I still feel guilty.”

“So… you didn’t let me see you for my whole life before my genin days because you felt _guilty_? That’s what you’re trying to say?”

It sounded so wrong. It did, but…

“…yeah. I guess.”

“That’s all?”

“Naruto… I told you already. I don’t have an excuse for… abandoning you” Kakashi almost whispered.

“You know… actually the whole story you told me was one huge excuse.”

“I didn’t tell you about everything to excuse myself-“

“No, I mean that all of that makes clear how everything looked like in the past. You said you felt guilty, but… What about? That they died? You couldn’t prevent it.”

“But I could get to know you. I could stop you from being alone and shunned by everybody. Or give you protection. Imagine that all of that happened to you, Naruto. I don’t think that you would… abandon someone like this.”

“I don’t think I would if I were myself. But after going through my father’s suicidal death, early graduation, having no friends, then having friends, having one of them sacrifice his life for me and the other one being killed by me… And then losing my sensei, my family… I really don’t know.”

“Naruto-“

“Look, I… think you underestimate how much of a mess your life was. It’s not that simple as you show it. You lost a lot that night. It’s… It’s a bit like in Sasuke’s case. I mean, he lost his entire family and his brother killed them all, but… You kind of lost your entire family too. And it happened suddenly, you had no time to prepare yourself for this.”

“You shouldn’t do that” Kakashi shook his head slowly. “You shouldn’t just accept it. I’ve just told you I ignored you for the most of your life. And you’re fine with that?”

“ I… No. I’m not fine with that” Kakashi’s heart stopped for a moment at these words even though he knew he deserved them. “I don’t really think it was fine of you to disappear. But… It’s not that you didn’t care, sensei. You were just tired, it was too much. I’m not saying that I know how you felt, but I remember how my world collapsed when Jiraiya died. It’s… overwhelming, it’s something you can’t really control. It’s good to understand your mistakes, but sometimes you need to stop being so harsh to yourself. And besides, you were there for me in a way. You guarded me as an ANBU and when those bandits wanted to hurt me, you were there to save me.”

“But-“

“Yeah. It wasn’t the same. And you felt guilty, fine. You still do. So how did it feel to become my sensei? When you had to confront me after all of that.”

“It felt right” Kakashi nodded slightly. “I could finally actually meet you. I… waited for this.”

“And?”

“And…?”

“What was it like?”

“It was... one overwhelming wave of guilt.”

“And let me guess, that’s why you always chose Sasuke over me.”

“…did I?”

“Yeah, I mean… you always gave him your time and trained him and everything. He was your favorite student.”

Kakashi snorted, looking at him incredulously.

“You really think Sasuke was my favorite student?”

“Uh… Yeah?”

“Well, sorry to disappoint you. He wasn’t.”

“But-“

“I gave him a lot of my time because… I thought that of all three of you he needed it the most. Later I realized I messed up cause you and Sakura felt ignored. But I was desperate to help Sasuke before he destroys his life. At the end he did that anyway, but you became good friends in the process, all three of you, so maybe it wasn’t all for nothing.”

“So who is your favorite student?”

“Sakura.”

“You’re no fun, sensei…”

“Well, back to our main subject... After you left with Jiraiya and Tsunade-sama announced to me that she was taking Sakura under her wings, I suddenly had thousands of ideas what I could have taught you. It resulted in your shadow clone training some years later. That was the time I really felt as your sensei. A bit too late. And later the war happened. When I saw your father on the battlefield I was too busy with fighting to actually realize how much I missed him. And how ashamed I was. I don’t know how I would explain myself to him. He would be disappointed.”

“Or maybe he would understand.”

“…”

“You said he was nice. I’m sure you meant a world to him, sensei.”

“I literally let my little brother grow up without anybody.”

Naruto stilled instantly at his words, visibly shocked. He closed his mouth slowly and made a tiny step back, biting his lip. Finally he looked away, putting his hands in his pockets.

“That’s how it is, Naruto.”

“How old were you?” the blonde asked quietly.

“Fourteen.”

“You were a kid.”

“Hardly.”

“A broken kid that lost his family overnight. I remember how Sasuke looked after the massacre.”

“He was eight.”

“I don’t think there’s much difference…”

“Naruto, who are you trying to fool right now.”

“I’m not trying to fool anyone! I just…” he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. “I’m trying to understand it, okay? I need to understand what happened.”

“No. What you’re doing right now is deny the obvious explanation of what happened.”

“I _know_ what happened…”

“You deny _why_ it happened.”

Naruto pulled his hair and made a few steps back and forth in visible distress. Kakashi watched him with half-closed eyes, waiting for him to say the next words.

“You think they would be mad?” the blonde asked finally in a soft voice.

“I’m sure they would.”

“Well, do you think they would hate you for this?”

 _Hate_. He didn’t like this word. It was too strong to describe anything.

“No. I don’t think they would hate me” he answered after a moment.

“Would they forgive you?”

_Would they?_

“I wouldn’t dare ask for their forgiveness.”

“Sometimes you don’t need to ask” Naruto mumbled quietly. “Would they hold it against you even if you didn’t ask them to forgive you?”

“…”

“I think they wouldn’t.”

“…”

“You just don’t destroy someone with your anger when they are sorry, Kakashi-sensei.”

“If everybody thought like this, we would be living in a perfect world.”

“Okay, I will use different words. You don’t hate your kid when he hurts his little brother. Not when he himself is already lying on the ground unable to stand on his own.”

Kakashi felt an unwanted wetness in his eyes. He turned away when his vision blurred, resting his forehead on the trunk. His mask soaked with tears he failed to hold from flowing.

“Naruto…”

“You _don’t_ ” Naruto’s voice was strangely muted and desperate. “They wouldn’t.”

_They wouldn’t._

Neither said anything for minutes when Kakashi tried to get a hold on himself. It was… he couldn’t remember the last time he let the tears flow. How long has it been? _How long?_

“Sensei.”

He flinched slightly when he felt an hand squeezing his shoulder lightly. He slowly turned and met Naruto’s reddened eyes that were scanning him searchingly. His hand fell from Kakashi’s shoulder.

“You know, people sometimes make mistakes that they know they will regret. But there’s a reason they still decide to make them. And really… being not strong enough is just a fine excuse. Sometimes it’s exactly what all of this is about. And it’s no shame. Everybody has their limits. You have them. I have them. My parents had them…. Your father had them, too” he finished quietly. “I know what you did and I’m not saying it’s okay. But… I really don’t want it to make whatever we’ve built for years to fall apart. You may have failed me once, but you made up for at least half of it later. You are my sensei and I consider you family. So everything I’ve found out today… I will not hold it against you. I couldn’t. Even if I tried.”

Kakashi watched his student with a pained expression on his face. He raised his hand and placed it on Naruto’s head, tangling his fingers in his hair. Then he slowly made a step forward and let his other arm reach towards the blonde. Before he understood what was happening, Naruto’s arms embraced him back.

“Thank you” Kakashi breathed into his ear.

_Thank you._

_For your forgiveness._

_For being here._

_For the hug I didn’t even knew I needed. One that I never dared offer to you._

“You’re welcome” he mumbled into Kakashi’s shoulder. “Though… you know…”

“Hm?”

“After what I’ve heard from you, I really think you owe me at least fifty bowls of ramen.”

 _Ramen._ Cheery again, right after what they talked about. This conversation wasn’t supposed to end with a joke. But if that was what his student needed…

A chuckle escaped from Kakashi’s throat. He slowly let go of the blonde, placing his hand on his shoulder.

“You mean like a thousand.”

“I wanted to be nice, but if you insist...”

Kakashi shook his head with a small smile. They left the park area heading to the center of the village, his hand still on Naruto’s shoulder. Colorful lamps illuminated their way to the ramen stand.

“Kakashi nii-san.”

Kakashi blinked and shot his student an hesitant look. Naruto frowned slightly, visibly lost in thoughts.

“It sounds weird. _Kakashi nii-san_.”

Really, that kid…

“What do you think?”

_I love him._

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: It was… hard to write. To make it consistent and to express what I meant at the same time. It came out twice as long as I planned. What do you think?


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